Hardest Thing
by Firefly119
Summary: Okaythis is a REALLY sappy LJ songfic from James' POV. It's to 98's The Hardest Thing.


The Hardest Thing

A/N- James' thoughts are in _italic._Most situations/characters fit in with FOREVER my ongoing L/J story.

Maybe another time, another day 

As much as I want to 

I've made up my mind 

There is no turning back 

She's been good to me 

And she deserves better than that 

James stared at the letter in shock. _This couldn't be right_. 

He shook his had as though to disagree with the piece of parchment in his hands. 

There must _be some mistake. _But the more James read over the letter the more he knew: this was no mistake. His eyes grew wide with understanding. His parents were dead, and never coming back. James' eyes filled with tears that threatened to roll down his cheeks. He clutched the letter, and, with forced steps he walked to the window of his dorm and threw it open. James stared with disgust at the parchment before hurling it out the window. He was half-way out the window himself, rather liking the idea of joining his parents, when the door burst open. Lily walked in carrying her own piece of parchment, her eyes were tearstained, and her hair ruffled.

"What are you doing?" She cried staring at him in horror. _She can't know, not about my parents, not about what I was going to do._ He faked a smile. 

"Sirius was supposed to pick me up, you know, on a broomstick." Suddenly James remembered that Sirius had detention for the next hour. "After he's done with Professor Ashputtle of course." He added quickly. James noticed the tears begin to flow even more freely than before on her face.

"Lily, What's wrong?" He ran over to her, slowly putting his arms around her. She handed him the piece of parchment she had been holding. He only had to glance in it to know that it contained the same piece of information his had. He opened his mouth to tell her that his parents had died also, but one look at her face and he couldn't. He had to be strong, for her. _I'm always the hero, aren't I? _His thoughts fell back to his fifth year when he had saved Severus' Snapes life. _I guess everyone's got to have their strengths._

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I can't let you see what you mean to me 

When my hands are tied 

And my heart's not free 

We're not meant to be 

James sat in his chair in shock. What had just come out of Dumbledore's was too much. What did he mean Voldemort would kill anyone he loved? He he'd loved lots of people and they were still alive. But then there was the death of his parents, and Lily's whole family except for that dreadful sister of hers. Remus' parent's too, and his sister Kelsey had died when she was three. The horror of the situation bombarded him, only to be replaced with a tidal wave of guilt. All of those people had died because of him. If it hadn't been for him everyone would still be alive.

It now made sense, his parents weren't killed in a muggle car accident! They didn't even own a car and Lily's family weren't the victims of a fire. It had been him. He'd slaughtered all those innocent.

"So what does that mean, that I can't love anyone?" James asked suddenly understanding. His thoughts going immediately to Lily. She was his salvation, the reason he wasn't crazy with a hunger for revenge, he had lost everything and they were going to take her away too? Dumbledore gazed at him sadly before apologizing again. James shook his head, _no it can't be._ _It just can't._ He thought about all the times he and Lily had been together in Hogsmade. He remembered holding her when her parents died and asking her out to Hogsmade under the stars. Bits and pieces of handholding, kisses, whispers and exchanged giggles filled his head. It didn't take long for James to realize what he had to do although it was a momentous decision. Before he had reached the door his mind had been made up. James feet felt as though they were filled lead and he with walked out of the office, dreading what was imminent. He had to break up with Lily. 

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It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do 

To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you 

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie 

To show no emotion when you starts to cry 

James backed away from her for the third time that day, losing his nerve once again. James sighed in frustration!He couldn' t do this, not to her_. Who am I kidding I love her, there's no getting around it. Well it's a little late for that James! It doesn't make any difference anyway. Unless I brake up with her she's doomed. Maybe I should just tell her. No, no she can't know. No one can_

I've made up my mind 

There is no turning back 

She's been good to me 

And she deserves better than that 

Okay. I'm gonna do it. 

"Lily, can I talk to you for a minute?" He gestured for her to follow him into an empty classroom. She smiled adoringly, ignoring the catcalls and whistles that followed them. _Oh god you guys, don't do that, not now anyway. It's not what you think. I wish she would stop looking at me like that._

"This is really hard to do." He started. She waited patiently for him to get himself together. "I'm really sorry Lily, but I don't think we should see each other anymore." He avoided her gaze.

"What?" She gasped. "If this is a joke…" 

"It's not, I'm sorry." He turned away.

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It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do 

To turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you 

I know that we'll meet again 

Fate has a place and time 

So you can get on with your life 

I've got to be cruel to be kind 

Lily ran off sobbing, as James ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it in the process. Just as Lily had done countless times. He didn't care though, _it doesn't matter, nothing matters, not any more anyway_. _They say it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all but I don't buy it. I bet someone who never loved said that. Who was it that said if you love them enough let them go? Because I'm seriously contemplating hunting them down and killing them. _He thought miserably. _It's better this way, for her and… and for me. _His thoughts flashed back to earlier in the year. 

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Lily was sitting on James lap; he had his arms around her.

"Lil?" He whispered in her ear.

"Hmm" She answered not moving from her comfortable position.

"What do you want to do when you grow up?" James asked. She turned around and grinned, she had plans and this was something she had spent a lot of time planning.

"I want to be Minister of Magic!" She said with a happy smile.

He watched her run out the door, daring himself not to run after her. He fought every impulse in his body and the screams coming from his heart. James found he couldn't watch anymore when her best friend Anna approached her.

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Now you can be Minister, or anything else you want. I won't get in your way anymore. He moved toward the door sadly. _It's better this way. _The worst part was that he almost believed it.

__

All my love I'll be sending

And you will never know 

'Cause there can be no happy ending 

James watched HER. It had been two weeks, two long, painful weeks since B-day A.K.A. Break up day. James was amazed to find that even simple acts like breathing had become impossible whenever he saw her. People were always telling them both that it would get easier, that the pain would begin to fade. It hadn't, in fact he found the hurt more acute than ever. Like a flesh wound left untreated, his feelings for her had infected him. Spread over him like wildfire, affecting and prohibiting everything he did. Even his monthly rendezvous with his best friends had lost its sparkle and mystery. He wanted so badly to go and hold her but in his heart James knew that if they stayed together she would die and he couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't let that happen.

James watched Lily as she chose her favorite window seat and pulled out her sketchpad like he had seen her do so many times before. But her face was devoid of its usual happy grin, in fact in its place were two fat tears. James turned away feeling his own eyes begin to burn. He hadn't even given her an explanation, just a "I'm sorry but it's over" _at least I didn't ask if we could still be friends. That would have been too cliched, even for me. _James made motion to go to her but stopped himself he wouldn't talk to her now. He set about writing a note asking her to meet him and the Quidditch Pitch.

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We both know that I shouldn't be here 

This is wrong 

And baby it's killing me, it's killing you 

Both of us tryin' to be strong 

"Oh James." She breathed sharply. "I'm… I'm so sorry."

"I guess I knew it was going to happen, we've known that he was after us for awhile now. It was only a matter of time." He explained calmly. James wasn't really as calm as he appeared though. His parents had just died and he was a mess. The cold stone of the Quidditch stadium's steps pressed through his thin robes, but he barely noticed. What he was going to say next was going to be much harder than the previous conversation.

"There's more." Lily looked at him alarmed. "He's after me and… and anyone I care about." James let the sentence hang in the air. He expected her to leave. Making the desertion they'd been putting each other through physical, as well as symbolic. They were after all "broken up", and this meeting hadn't been to mend the relationship, only to offer an explanation. To his surprise not only did she stay with him but she put her arms around James and embraced him tightly.

"Then we'll face him together." She smiled brightly before looking at him, her face the picture of seriousness. "It's not your fault, you know." James avoided her eyes but even then, they bore into his soul. "Look at me." James reluctantly met her unwavering gaze. "I mean it James, it's not your fault. He did it, not you."

"I know." He said softly.

"And we're gonna get him James, one way or another, we're gonna get him." 

A/N - Okay, Okay, I know that was really sappy, but I couldn't resist! This was what, my third L/J song fic?? Hehe Well anyway read and review.

Disclaimer- I own NOTHING

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